SEC Football as Tom Hanks movies

So I'm a few New Belgium Mighty Arrows into the Final Four games Saturday night and start thumbing through the guide during a commercial break when I stumbled across three Tom Hanks movies on at the same time. While the beer certainly didn't live up the standards set by its Fat Tire brethren, it did help inspire this ridiculous post.

So, here they are, without further ado, all 12 SEC football teams as Tom Hanks movies. Got better suggestions? Leave ‘em in the comments.

Alabama: Turner & Hooch
Detective Scott Turner is a straight laced, no frills kind of detective. Nick Saban is a no-nonsense, no frills kind of coach – never a hair out of place in his feathery bangs. Between his owner dying and pairing up with Turner, Hooch was a mess. He drooled everywhere, tore things up, and basically a lost cause. Between the Bear dying and before hiring Saban, Alabama was much the same way. Sure they would do well every now and then, but they had to cheat to do it. They bought a national title in the early 90s, then suffered through several ignominious years before hiring Saban.

Arkansas: Catch Me If You Can
In his early days, Frank Abagnale imitated an airline pilot, a teacher’s assistant, a doctor, and an attorney. When things took a turn for the worse, he’d disappear in the night and move on to his next gig. Finally, after getting busted, he aligned himself with Hanks’ Carl Hanratty and began improving national fraud defense. Bobby Petrino is currently at his 12th coaching spot since entering the business in 1983. He’s been the head coach of 3 different teams in the last 5 years and has flirted with several others. He seems to have found a niche in Fayetteville though and the Hogs have a chance to be much improved from last season.

Auburn: Apollo 13
Before takeoff, everyone was excited about Apollo 13’s mission to the moon. Last season was supposed to be a good one for Auburn. A new high-flying offense was in place, the defense returned 6 of its starting back 7, and the Tigers were ranked as high as #10 in the preseason. Needless to say, much-like the ill-fated Apollo 13 lunar mission, Auburn’s season encountered problem after problem. There was bickering amongst staff before finally crashing roughly back to earth at the end. The major difference being that Jim Lovell was congratulated for his leadership in the “successful failure” that was Apollo 13; Tommy Tuberville was inexplicably shown the door.

Florida: Sleepless in Seattle
After Sam Baldwin's wife died, he looked lost and clueless, and didn't know who to turn to. He packs up and moves out west and begins dating a girl that his son can't stand. He finally meets the one he's meant to be with at the end and live happily ever after. After Spurrier left Florida, the Gators looked lost and clueless, seeking solace in the arms of Ron Zook, who the Gator Nation hated from the beginning. Now, they've found Urban Meyer and have won 2 titles in 3 years and will be favored to win it all next year.

Georgia: Bonfire of the Vanities
Tom Wolfe’s Bonfire of the Vanities is a fantastic novel that was a bestseller and huge success. Unfortunately, despite a All-Star cast with Hanks, Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Melanie Griffith, etc., the movie version pretty much sucked. When you read about Georgia’s team, the star power was obvious – Stafford, Moreno, Green, etc. Expectations were very high, including a preseason #1 ranking. Then, much like BotV, when you watched it on TV, you realize it’s a little disappointing on screen.

Kentucky: Saving Private Ryan
The beginning of Saving Private Ryan – the storming of the beaches at Normandy – is absolutely phenomenal. It’s beautifully crafted cinematography at its peak. Once the movie settles in though, it’s really not that different from every other war movie ever filmed. There’s a little bit of a twist at the end of the movie to tie it all together. The last two seasons, Kentucky has started out as well as possible: 5-0 and 4-0. Once the seasons settled in, the ‘Cats were average at best, finishing only 7-5 and 6-5. The bowl victories were nice surprises to wrap up the seasons.

LSU: The Man with One Red Shoe
Richard Drew is just an average joe who - due to circumstances beyond his control - looks goofy as he wears mismatched shoes on a flight. He is identified as a CIA target, and though he remains completely oblivious to everything around him, it all works out for him in the end. Les Miles always looks goofy wearing the world's largest hat and was certainly an average joe at Oklahoma State - 28-21 overall, 16-16 in the Big 12. And things have certainly worked out well for Miles so far, despite a seemingly oblivious approach to coaching.

Mississippi State: You’ve Got Mail
While I'm not a fan of either Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail, I know a cheap knock off when I see one. The producers of You've Got Mail were trying to cash in on the chemistry that Hanks and Meg Ryan had in Sleepless in Seattle, but the result just wasn't as good. Same thing in Starkville. Hoping to recreate some of the recent magic in Gainesville, the Bulldogs hired away Dan Mullen from Meyer's staff, and while the results have yet to be seen, it's hard to imagine the end result being anything less than a poor attempt at recreating UF's offense.

Ole Miss: That Thing You Do!
Mr. White takes a group of talented musicians with no experience outside the town of Erie, PA, and molds them into the No. 1 rock band in the country. Houston Nutt, stepped into Oxford and took a group of talented kids who had never been shown "how to win" and recorded a 9-4 season and a Cotton Bowl victory. The major difference being that The Wonders broke up at the end of the movie, while Nutt seems to have the Rebels in place to continue their success.

South Carolina: Volunteers
Lawrence Whatley Bourne III had it all. He was a spoiled rich kid leading a pampered life until he had to join the Peace Corps to escape his creditors. Steve Spurrier had it all. He’d won a National championship as the coach of his alma mater, had the Gators as one of the top programs in the entire country, and a fun punching bag in Phil Fulmer. He got greedy, left for the NFL, and when that didn’t work out, sought refuge in Columbia where – so far – has done more to tarnish his legacy than build upon it.

Tennessee: The Terminal
What? You were expecting Volunteers? Think about it… Viktor Navorski can’t go back to whence he came as a war broke out. So he’s stuck in a foreign land, has trouble communicating with people, garners strange looks from people, and eventually makes some important friends in the airport. That’s pretty much the Lane Kiffin experience. He can’t go back to the NFL because he angered Al Davis, he’s become a one-man sideshow that it’s hard not to stop and stare at, he's found it very difficult to communicate with his peers, but he did surround himself with a knowledgeable staff.

Vanderbilt: Big
All Josh Baskin wanted to be was big. He couldn’t get the girl or ride the roller coaster, so Zoltar granted him his wish. He grew up, moved to New York and got to play with the big boys, before wishing to be a boy again. After years of wishing they were big, the Commodores finally broke through last year with their first bowl appearance since 1982. Unfortunately, like Josh Baskin’s appearance as an adult, Vandy’s was a ruse and one that won’t last, but one that made for good tv while it did.

Recognitions flowing in for Rebels

While Spring Football and the baseball team are dominating the headlines out of Oxford, there's positive news coming out of the non-Big3 sports as well.

* Our men's tennis team is currently ranked #2 and leads the country in average attendance by a large margin

* Senior Rebel netter Bram Ten Berge was named the H. Boyd McWhorter SEC Scholar Athlete of the Year

* Lauren Grill, a junior 3B for the softball team was named SEC player of the Week last week. She was first team All-America last season

* And most have heard by now that Scott Bittle was SEC Pitcher of the Week for his dominating performance against a hapless Kentucky team Sunday afternoon

Bruce Feldman likes the Rebels... a lot

Bruce Feldman has the Rebels pretty high on a list that we've never even been considered for: Teams most likely to win the BCS Title.

He lists the Rebels at #4 and offers this explanation:

Ole Miss: This may look crazy, but keep reading. The Rebels are fearless. They won at both Florida and LSU last season. They have a budding star at quarterback in Jevan Snead, some terrific receivers, and potentially the best D-line in the country. They also have the luxury of playing the softest nonconference schedule in the country, with two games against FCS teams, UAB and a Memphis team they beat every year. Better still, they get Alabama and LSU at home. Can the Rebs handle success and expectations now? We'll see. A Thursday night trip to South Carolina appears to be the toughest road game.

It's certainly nice to be on this list, but the inclusion of Notre Dame at the bottom really throws it off. Sure the Irish are projected to be better, particularly against that schedule, but 10th most likely to win the BCS Title? That would imply Fat Charlie beating a good team, something he's done only once in his tenure in South Bend. They could feasibly be 10-2 or 9-3 at the end of the season, but that's certainly not going to get them in the BCS title game against Florida. It would likely earn them an SEC asswhoopin' in the Sugar Bowl, hopefully by the Rebs.

2009 SEC Football Schedule Breakdown

College Football News breaks down the composite SEC football schedule for the upcoming season here, listing the top 10 conference games and top 10 non-conference games. The upcoming throwdown with Northern Arizona is conspicuously absent.

Their Top 10 conference games look like this:

1. Florida vs. Georgia, Oct. 31
2. Florida at LSU, Oct. 10
3. LSU at Alabama, Nov. 7
4. Alabama at Ole Miss, Oct. 10
5. LSU at Ole Miss, Nov. 21
6. Tennessee at Florida, Sept. 19
7. LSU at Georgia, Oct. 3
8. Alabama at Auburn, Nov. 28
9. Georgia at Tennessee, Oct. 10
10. Auburn at LSU, Oct. 24

We've got two of the top five with visits from the Tide and Bayou Bengals, both of which present real opportunities for College Gameday to pop their Grove cherries and get down here for a broadcast. As an aside, I know that I - like many people across this region - am looking forward to the 70+ point that Urban Meyer is going to hang on Kiffin, but I don't know that that qualifies the UT/UF game as a Top 10 conference game, and certainly not better than the three games listed directly below it.

Needless to say, we don't have a top 10 non-conference game. If they listed all 48 OOC games for the SEC, I'd venture to guess we wouldn't have one in the top 30. It's a complete embarrassment.

CFN also breaks down our chances here, giving us a best case scenario record of 10-2 and a realistic record of 9-3. We'll delve into that more on this site as the season approaches, but it's a nice change to get some credit from the pundits.

Kennedy Named Finalist For Clair Bee National Coach Of The Year

According to a release by the school, Andy Kennedy is one of four finalists for the Clair Bee National Coach of the Year Award. In other news, there is something called the Clair Bee National Coach of the Year Award.

The award itself...

honors a Division I men’s basketball coach who through his actions on and off the court, makes an outstanding contribution to the sport of college basketball. The criteria for this award involves actions that inspire, motivate, coach and educate their teams to achieve their fullest potential and demonstrate outstanding character.

Now my question is this... I don't believe the charges Kennedy faces in Cincinnati are going to stick. That whole situation reeks of inconsistencies. But the fact is that he faces charges. That's hardly making an "outstanding contribution to the sport of college basketball."

On the court, there's no argument. AK did a phenomenal job holding together a young team setback after setback. The fact that we even challenged for an NIT spot is remarkable considering all that happened.

The other three finalists are Missouri’s Mike Anderson, Radford’s Brad Greenberg, and Trent Johnson of LSU. Last season’s winner was Bob McKillop of Davidson.

And how's this for validating the award? The Selection Committee for the award is composed of Dan Beebe (Big 12 Commissioner), Jay Bilas (ESPN talking head), Dave Gavitt (founder of the Big East), Bob Hammel (sportswriter), Bob Knight (media whore), Pat Knight (son of a media whore), Billy Packer (ancient curmudgeon hellbent on sucking all the fun out of college basketball), Dean Smith (former UNC head coach), and Dick Vitale (somebody kill me now). I count Dean Smith and possibly - possibly - Jay Bilas as people's whose opinions I would value from a national perspective.

That said, our basketball program could use a shot of good news, even it is a silly as this award.

Memphis' next basketball coach: Sean Miller

For those of us in who reside in the Memphis area, it's been an adventuresome last few days. The local media has been camped outside and hovering over John Calipari's house as he made the blatantly obvious choice to leave the Tiger program for the Big Blue Nation in Lexington. Despite the vitriol that's being spewed by many fans today, the choice is a no-brainer: Kentucky, UCLA, North Carolina, Indiana, and Kansas are college basketball royalty; Memphis isn't.

The list of coaches being batted around by Memphis fans is impressive, but I just wonder why any of them would come to Memphis. Here's a breakdown as I see it.

Mike Anderson, Mizzou: Already off the market. Signed a nice extension with Mizzou

Tim Floyd, USC: His Southern connections would've made him the best choice, but it appears he's taking over for former Ole Miss assistant Russ Pennell at Arizona

Bruce Pearl, Tennessee: Now it starts getting interesting. Sure, the Memphis job would be a step up in profile from Tennessee, but there was a genuine disdain between Calipari and Pearl. Pearl is working to build a Vols program, and quite frankly, unless something crazy happens and John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins, and Xavier Henry are Tigers next season, Memphis is going to be significantly worse next season than they were last. I don't see the appeal to Pearl unless it's strictly about the cash.

Rick Pitino, Louisville: Now it starts to get delusional. The rumor is that Pitino would be hired, coach a few seasons, and then retire and Memphis would promote his son to be the coach. Pitino is not going anywhere. If he left this year, it would be viewed as running from Calipari, who he will now get to face yearly. Also, part of his success there would always be viewed as partially attributable to Calipari's doing there, and neither Pitino nor Pearl want that.

Bobby Knight, ESPN: There aren't even words to describe this. This is the dumbest idea since an mid-afternoon fireworks show. Not gonna happen.

That brings us to the non-"WOW" candidates Memphis AD RC Johnson has promised. Xavier's Sean Miller and our very own Andy Kennedy.

Sean Miller seems to be the right choice here. He's at a non-BCS school and has been a very good coach at Xavier in his tenure there, going 120-47. His Musketeers actually beat the Tigers early in the 2008-09 season. He's been to the Sweet 16 and the Elite 8 the last two seasons and appears to be a young coaching star.

Which brings us to AK. From an unbiased point of view, why would Memphis want to hire a coach which pending legal issues and one that has failed to reach the NCAA tournament in four seasons as a head coach. I'll grant you that the legal issues are more than likely bogus and that he's done a very good job in all four seasons as a head coach, but is that really the profile of a coach that Memphis wants to replace Calipari with?

This may be a harsh lesson in reality for Memphis fans. While their program is certainly one of the best in the country, it's very tough to win consistently at a non-BCS school like Calipari has the last several seasons. If Memphis fans remember, Calipari didn't start putting up the gaudy numbers they've become accustomed to until CUSA was gutted by the Big East and the other legitimate basketball teams left. Calipari is a tough act to follow and 2009-10 will be a rebuilding season with Tyreke Evans declaring and a handful of other players joining Cal in Lexington, which is a trash move by Calipari, but that's another story.

Regardless of who is hired, the program will take a step back from the national spotlight. While Pitino and Pearl would both be very visible, high-profile leaders of the program, neither one is going to take the job. I just hope that Tiger fans will welcome Sean Miller. He's a very good coach who will win at Memphis if given the chance. While he may not be a high-profile as Calipari is - and who is - he'll be a very good fit, and that's what the Tigers need.